


Darkness Eating Me Alive

by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters



Series: Aftermaths [1]
Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (IDW Comics), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Bad Thoughts, Post City Fall, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:01:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27170758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/This_world_of_beautiful_monsters/pseuds/This_world_of_beautiful_monsters
Summary: Leo is fine. Just fine. He's been through some bad stuff, but it's okay, he's better now.Except that he's isn't, not always, and now he needs Raph's help.
Series: Aftermaths [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1983247
Kudos: 23





	Darkness Eating Me Alive

Leonardo's fine. He's perfectly okay, and the idea that things could be otherwise is ridiculous. He had time to recover at Northampton, he faced his demons in the form of the Rat King, he knows for a fact that Kitsune can't control him anymore. He's just fine, couldn't be better.

His brothers' rotting, twisted corpses don't seem to know this. They're holding him down, pinching and clawing at him with with bruising hands. Raph runs a sai down his face, leaving behind a line of fire, but he doesn't scream because _this isn't real._

"You sure about that, bro?" Mikey asks, squatting on his chest and grinning down at him like a demented gargoyle. "Feels pretty real to me. I mean, you were always going to get us killed, you know? Maybe as a side effect of being a nonstop fuckup, maybe because you went batshit insane again and pulled a _Psycho_ , but one way or another this was how it was gonna end." Maggots drip out of his mouth and slither onto Leo's skin. _Not real not real not real._

"He's right," Donnie adds, studying Leo through gaping sockets. "You're mentally unsound and your best skill is barking orders at people who don't really need them." He twists Leo's hand, breaking his fingers with a series of _snaps_ , and Leo bites his lip trying not to cry, because only children weep when they're in pain.

"Please," he gasps out, as the maggots wriggle into his mouth. _"Please..."_

"Aw, stop bitchin' and hold still," Raph mutters, grinding his thumbs into Leo's eyes. The world explodes into red and white, and Leo's jerking upright, gasping for air in his dark, hot bedroom.

He leans forward, hugging himself as his chest frantically heaves. His first instinct is to go check on his brothers, but he holds back. They need their sleep, and besides, if they see him freaking out over a nightmare, any respect they have for him will go straight down the drain

_and maybe if he looks in on them they'll be dead maybe they'll hate him maybe he did something terrible again_

Enough. _Enough_. He's embarrassed at himself for letting it get so far. Self-control is the most important thing; he's had it drilled into him ~~since he saw Mother die~~ since he was a child. All he needs to do is meditate for a little while and he'll be fine.

Except it's hard to meditate when you have an icy cold hand wrapped around your throat, making it impossible to take a cleansing breath. That twisted reflection of his father is choking him again, dangling him off a building

_because you are weak and foolish and crazy and you murdered Slash and liked it you monster_

Stop. It wasn't not real, none of it, just another trick of Kitsune's to turn him against his family.

But _other_ things are real. Karai underneath him, pinned by his blade, and he wanted to _hurt_ her for her disrespect, he'd barely restrained himself, he'd wanted to do things that make him nauseous to even think about now. Victor on his knees, his head popping off his body in a crimson spray while Leo stood there like a fucking _lump_ , as guilty as if he'd administered the killing blow himself. Shredder's back exposed to him so many times, he could have killed him, could have saved Donnie from that horrible attack.

He'd been mourning his brother's deaths while at the same time he'd been frightening them, hurting them. That was the reality, only what if wasn't, what if his brothers really were gone because of Splinter or Shredder or him--

Leo smacks himself in the side of his head and then growls, angry at himself for having to go that far. His father's voice slides into his head, once more disappointed that Leo has to resort to physical discipline. It makes his heart hurt, the way Splinter's reprimands always do. _At least that hasn't changed_ , he thinks bitterly, and almost wants to laugh.

 _Pull yourself together_ , he orders himself sternly. Leo slides into the lotus position, not thinking about how much he misses his father because his father trusts him to take care of himself, so he should.

He rests his hands on his knees and his palms are slick with the blood of his loved ones.

Leo barely makes it to the bathroom before he throws up, smacking his head on the toilet seat as he falls to his knees. He tries to concentrate on the pain, make it ground him, but it just leaves him more dizzy and disoriented.

Oh _god_ , he can feel Kitsune's fingers digging around in his soul, digging through his darkest fears and worst memories, _violating_ him all over again. _Like a monster seeking prey in the night_ , she whispers, _the truth will hunt you down_.

The truth? That truth is that he's dry-heaving, dripping tears and snot into the toilet, and he can't make it _stop_. He wishes that it was a psychic attack, something that comes with an enemy for him to fight. It's not, though; he's clear-headed enough to realize that. This is just his own stupid mind tearing itself apart. He's alone in his brain--completely alone.

Claws rake across his shell, the Rat King's breath hot on the back of his neck. Shredder slaps him across the face, and somehow the blow is a thousand times more painful and humiliating than a straight punch. He closes his eyes and sees Slash's death throes, Kraang's guts spilling across the ground, his father run through, his brothers falling under his blade.

"Mother," he gasps, but she doesn't come

_she's disappointed in you for disobeying your father you're disrespectful ungrateful incompetent you're a bad son and a worse brother you deserve all this you're drowning and you deserve it_

The door creaks open. "Leo?"

_Fuck._

It's Raph standing there, because of _course_ it is. He takes in Leo's wild eyes, his shaking hands, and Leo knows he can tell this isn't just a stomach bug. _Double fuck._

Raph was out with Casey tonight; there's a cut on his arm, he must have come in here looking for the gauze. Leo should get up, maybe start some shit about that cut to distract Raph, but the sight of his brother bleeding just makes him start retching again.

"Hey," Raph says, coming closer, his voice low and cautious. "Should I get Donnie?"

"No!" Leo hates how panicked and whiny he sounds, but he _cannot_ let his other brothers see him like this. What will Donnie think of their Fearless Leader weeping on the bathroom floor? What is Raph thinking now?

"Uh, okay. It's okay." Raph sinks onto the floor besides him, eyes darting around nervously. He probably thinks that Leo's gone nuts again. Maybe he's right.

The right thing to do here, the leaderly thing, would be ordering Raph back to his room. He should reassert control of this situation as fast as possible, considering that he's probably given his brother plenty of new ammunition for their next argument already.

But then he looks at Raph again, only this time he sees a mass of decomposing flesh, grinning at him with bared teeth.

Leo can't help himself: he lunges forward and grabs his brother with all his might. He relishes the surprised _oof_ Raph makes as the air rushes out of him, because he's _alive_ , he's _breathing_ , he's not screaming in pain or stabbing Leo in the back, and every second that he's holding on is another second Leo doesn't have to face the bad memories on his own.

With a jolt, he realizes that he's crying again, big, heaving sobs. When he tries to choke them down they just come harder and faster, until he feels his lungs seizing. Is he hyperventilating? Perhaps he'll be able to pass out and escape this humiliation.

"Shh," Raph whispers, rubbing Leo's carapace with one hand while the other holds him in a firm but gentle embrace. "Breath with me," he whispers, taking heavy breaths. "You're here. You're safe. It's over."

"It doesn't _feel_ over," Leo gasps, before he can stop himself.

"It is. You beat it, you came back to us." Raph kisses the top of his head, and if he wasn't busy falling apart might keel over from shock. "It's okay to be scared. It's okay to cry. Ya've earned that right."

_Lies lies he's disgusted with you he's laughing at you you're broken useless we-_

_Shut up,_ Leo tells himself fiercely. And after a while, the voice does.

When he's finally cried out, he lurches to his feet and totters over to the sink, washing his face while Raph flushes the toilet and gets himself some gauze. He lets Raph keep a hand on his carapace as they make their way out of the bathroom, too tired to be embarrassed.

He almost doesn't notice when they head into Raph's room, only jerking to a stop when he sees Pepperoni's eyes flashing in the dark. "Raph, what--"

"You're going to give yourself a migraine sleeping up on that goddamn bath mat," Raph mutters, stripping off some gear.

Leo rolls his eyes on automatic. "It's a tatami, not a--"

"Whatever. Look, it'll be like it was when we were kids, ya know?" Raph shoots him an encouraging smile.

Leo remembers: back when they were on the human and on the run, they'd all sleep huddled in a pile for warmth. If any of the younger boys woke up from a nightmare about Mother or the bad men chasing them, he'd be able to hold them and whisper comforting nothings until they fell back asleep.

So he lies down next to Raph without another word, and doesn't even object when Pepperoni jumps up to join them. "Goddamn cold feet," Raph mumbles, running an affectionate hand down her spine as she wriggles into the space between their plastrons.

Leo's a little scared to close his eyes again, but he reminds himself that if he has another nightmare, he'll wake up to the sight of Raph lying at his side, safe and sound. He rests his chin on top of Pepperoni's head and drifts off to sleep, lulled by Raph's snores.

He wakes up before Raph does and heads back to his room. They never say a word about that night, and Raph never brings it up, even during their most heated arguments. Sometimes when the bad thoughts come back to haunt him, Leo finds himself knocking on his brother's door, and it's always open. Raph will just hold him, not asking any questions or making any demands.

Leo will always love him for that.


End file.
